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Anything with shoes: Have you ever seen a dog try to walk in shoes? It is funny for humans, but pretty embarrassing for the dog. As they try to walk normally, they awkwardly move their limbs like they had one too many Cokes with Barkardi. They hate it. So unless you want your dog to be a stroke patient or a drunken hobo for Halloween, do not put them in shoes.
Hotdogs: This is typically a costume reserved for dachshunds. These types of dog are historically referred to as "wiener dogs" for their shape. However, dressing them as a hotdog can make them feel like an outsider, and it could possibly be considered racist. Dachshunds are German, so they already have the Nazi guilt. Dressing them up as hotdogs reminds them of wiener schnitzel. Halloween should be a happy times for dogs. They don't want to be reminded of the stigma of their heritage.
My parents’ dog Geta as a hotdog. She’s warm, but can’t stop thinking about World War II.
An Ewok: You would think that this would be a perfect costume for a little mangy mutt, but think again. Once you strap on that Chub Chub costume to your Chihuahua, people will be automatically reminded of how terrible the third Star Wars movie was. Just awful! If you want to do the Ewok, I have a suggestion. If you have a second dog, just dress it up as Jar Jar Binks. In comparison, the Ewok looks like George Lucas' miracle character.
Any type of food: Dogs love food. Every time we bring out food, my dog starts shaking because she's an addict. She needs her scrap fix like no other. If your dog is dressed up like an adorable spit-roasted chicken, he will be torn to shreds by other dogs. You don't need any more blood on your hands.
Unicorns or My Little Ponies: Unicorns are the dumb and your dog will be made fun of by every mutt on the block. Dog insults are brutal. He'll be called a pansy pooch and they might think he's neutered, when he's really not. Remember, your dog has a very social butt-sniffing life. Don't ruin things for him. He is so close to getting Sadie the beagle to go out to TGIFridays. As for My Little Ponies, do you really want everyone to know you're a Brony? Not quite yet.
Anything with makeup: Haven't we tested enough makeup on animals? Also, once a pup sees how plump her lips look in the Urban Decay lip liner and gloss, get ready to spend hundreds on makeup. Then if wearing the makeup doesn't get her the attention she wants, get ready for some major self-confidence issues. Dog therapy is expensive.
A cat: This may seem really fun at first because what's funnier than an animal portraying another animal? But the fact is, cats are the worst people ever in the entire world. They expect everything and give nothing. Once your dog gets a taste of that lifestyle, she'll be super rude and stuck-up like a Kardashian. You'll have to get her an Instagram account. This may not seem too bad, but once your dog starts taking dumps in the house and then covering it up with your socks, you'll see what a mistake you made.
How can this dog possibly have arms? Photo courtesy of Getty Images
A superhero: Everyone loves superheroes, and the costumes are super easy to find. However, if your shitzu dresses up as Superman, we might have some issues. As a dog owner, I can attest that my dog has tried numerous death-defying feats while not even wearing a costume. She is constantly trying to jump over all three stairs in front of our house all at once. Many a time has she failed and hit pavement like a member of the Jackass crew. She has chased after dogs four times as big as her and almost had her face bitten off. Some dogs don't need any more bravery, and if they think they are a superhero, it'll be no time until Fido is taking a nose dive off the roof to save Lois Lane.
So then what costume would be appropriate for a dog? Probably none. If you think logically about it, in dog years, they can only trick-or-treat for the first two years of their lives. After that, it’s just sad. Enjoy your pup just the way they are and be thankful for the cool October weather. They’re going to go outside and potty so quickly now, it’s like you get two Daylight Savings Times during the fall.
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